On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
