If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
