I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
