Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
