There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
