K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
