she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?