he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
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Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
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You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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