stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize