I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
