John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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