So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize