I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
