Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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