just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
