I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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