Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
