I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
