I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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