and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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