I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
