Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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