i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
