u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
