My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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