she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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