fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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