I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
