He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
