I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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