I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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