hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just pee around me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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