I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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