I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
