I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I wear drunk well.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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