Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
