what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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