LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
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Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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