my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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