we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
