I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
