Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
