She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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