I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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