I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If I die, sorry about rent.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
