haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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