apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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