Swine flu. Run for my life!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
