Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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