You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
