drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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