ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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