Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
