Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
