Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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