I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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